Dec 10th
I haven't been good at keeping up with this blog...
Been lots of places, went to Glasgow 3 times in 8 days: Party, CC meeting, Radiohead. I have now seen Radiohead... my list of must see bands is now one shorter [U2, Coldplay]. They were amazing. Had a lot of Uni work. Alpha is amazing but finished. Wresled a lot with feeling out of place in the city and disconnected to it and all that is going on... Learning not to panic and to hope but thats a big deal. Loving seeing Balerno people. Oh yeah went to a 'Bling Bling' party with Martin twice. Feel like I need some more quality time with people. 'You know everyone'... yes but have quality time with no one... and thats rubbish. Missing city people but not sure how to deepen friendships. To be honest I've really clamed up when talking to people, not giving anything away and just being 'hillarious' all the time so as to avoid closeness. I don't like that. Wanting something freash and beautiful for me and for the city, past was flavoured with destiny but the present feels empty. Or did for the last few weeks. Really wanted to face this emptyness with God and felt a break through these last two days. 'New life for your children' was my phrase for yesterday - looking at a picture of people swimming in Ibiza at dawn on my wall. Life feels fuller when your aware of the presence of God and with much more hope, HOPE IS IMPORTANT. Where do I go from here... not sure but this is a better start point than Saturday where I just got really depressed again for the first time in ages. But faced it and am lighter. Thinking about 24-7 team and other responcabilities but not in material terms, just in kind of getting my heart and life right and being open for new life to break in. Which is the whole point. Huge essays to do and it's almost Christmas so I want to skive, but over soon for ages. Really should do them now. Missing an email friend quite a lot.