There are a number of reasons why I hate tidying up. One... I'm a very lazy man when it comes to non-exciting things. Two... I'm a hoarder.

Not so much of items but of paper. My life is drowning in the stuff. Old letters, notes from friends, text messages scribbled on the backs of envelopes, songs, journal entries, rail tickets, notes on talks, friend's prayer requests - I keep them as they remind me of where I was - physically and emotionally. I'm only 22 but my life is flashing by me - my brain almost full of stuff that I want to remember. Writing it down helps.

I have been meaning to compile some sort of scrap book/folder to put it all in as nothing is in order - just boxes, files, bag stuffed with paper. I, however am a better dreamer than I am a do-er and so in three years that plan has never actually happened. But as I couldn't really access the floor in my room (and after three months of nagging from my Mum) I began to go through it this week, trying to bring some semblance of order and chucking out what I didn't need.

There is however another reason I had been putting it off. Memories can be uncomfortable, embarrassing and painful.

Much of it was a treat to go through - remembering fun days, times with friends who have moved on. Much of it was awkward. I could trace the changes in my character, over the last 4 years especially. My increase in confidence mostly. Also I noticed my heart hardening. A lot of what I wrote was in and around a number of periods of depression - angry, introverted painful stuff at the time but you know what? Honest and passionate too - way more than I am these days. I wonder, in my getting better if I haven't also grown colder. A difficult and unsettling question.

I wonder if I have lowered my expectations and let some negative experiences lower my sights. Actually I don't wonder - I know it's true. Don't get me wrong - I would never want to go back to being in the state I was in. I am a far healthier person now. But I wonder if I have lost a bit of my edge. My anger and sadness did one very positive thing - it highlighted my need for God and at that time my passion for him was at the strongest it's ever been. I had forgotten how strong it had been until I re-read the scraps of paper I had poured my frustrated heart onto. I was shocked by how much I have cooled off and grown sensible. I have grown self reliant and reluctant to get close to people.

I've been in a bad place again for bits of the week and there at my rubbishest I have known my heart cry for God, for the real thing, which is great but I don't want to have to be sad or in a state to be passionate - I want to love God just for who he is - not only when I'm in trouble.

I have been on a journey that has brought me to a far better place but some of the trails along the way have eroded some of the fruit of that time and in tidying up this week I want to discover again some of that rawness and begin to let God and people close to me again.