Grace is a mystery... I could reel off a dictionary definition since I was a child but I still have only grasped a glimpse of a fraction of a glint of what it actually means as a lived reality. As much as a I hate to admit it I'm a striver and, still, after all my encounters with grace I measure myself by how I am progressing and how well (or badly) I am doing in beating sin in my life . It seems God picks me up - makes me ok - and then it's 'thanks God... I'll take it from here' - that is, until I come undone again. It feels like I never learn.

But I think slowly (and I mean VERY slowly) the message is getting through. I packed up my flat today. If I could characterise my year there I was say it has been about grace. Grace that covers a multitude of sins, grace that loves me when I'm blazing with passion and loves me when I'm indifferent, grace that loves me when I've got it all together and that loves me when my grand schemes are falling apart under their own weight. A year characterised by me understanding grace just that little bit more than I did before.

We all want to have it all together, to be strong and able and passionate all the time but we can't. I would love to beat sin single-handedly and always be a hero in my own eyes but it’s a fight I can't win. And accepting that fact is the door to being able to let Jesus take the buck and make well all that our own effort can't.

I live a pretty good life most of the time. How much of it is worship though and how much is prideful striving? Because when I'm worn out and tired sometimes my resolve goes and I'm not a great guy at all. Right now I am worn out - some days this place of brokenness is heaven on earth as my brain is too tired to resist God... sometimes I am a monster. I've been monstrous today and you know what? The Holy Spirit burned stronger on me - in the day of my sin - than he has for months, and I understand just a little bit more what it means to be favoured and loved unconditionally.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

And for that I am grateful!

ps I'm away at Ewan's wedding tomorrow (stoked for him) and then I'm going to stay with Howard for a week -I'm having a HOLYday for the first time in two years! I will catch up with everyone when I get back I promise! I love you all.